I'm Not Ready to Go Yet
by SKingList
Summary: Claire can't have you yet. No pairing, highlights the bond these characters have. AU but minor spoilers for s2.


AU but follows canon through the end of s2. Just something I felt like I needed to write. No pairing but emphasizes the bond these characters have.

Thanks as always to moskav, this wouldn't be here without your encouragement. This one's for you, Dad.

---

"Mac?" Sheldon asked as he noticed the older man walking a step or two slower than normal. "You OK?"

"Fine," Mac said, more quickly than he meant.

Sheldon, however, knew he wasn't. He was walking slowly and though he couldn't pinpoint it, he could tell something was off. "Mac?" he asked again cautiously. "You dizzy?"

"A little" Mac admitted, knowing he couldn't hide it. In fact, it not having passed was beginning to worry him.

"Sit," Sheldon said, leading him towards a ledge. Moving closer, he noticed that there were beads of sweat on Mac's forehead. Sitting beside him on the ledge, Sheldon reached for Mac's wrist and slipped two fingers to the underside to feel for his pulse. Not liking what he felt, he raised his hand to gesture to one of the unis on scene.

"Sheldon," Mac interrupted. "I'm fine. Just need to catch my breath."

Sheldon shook his head. Lowering his voice out of respect for his boss he asked, "My judgment was one of the reasons you hired me, wasn't it?" At Mac's nod of assent, he continued, "Then let me do this. Your pulse is racing and combined with the dizziness, that's not a good sign. If I'm wrong, they'll release you right away. OK?"

"OK," Mac said. He knew Sheldon was right and trusted his judgment, and knew something didn't feel right, he just hoped it would pass. On the other hand, he knew that Sheldon had been a cardiologist prior to being a Medical Examiner, and that if he was worried, there was probably cause for worry.

As the unis approached, Sheldon asked them to radio for a bus and was grateful that one was in the area already returning from a call. He knew that Mac accepting what he'd said likely meant he was feeling even worse than he'd let on. "Mac, does anything else feel funny?"

"No," Mac said honestly.

"And how long have you felt dizzy?"

"Couple minutes before you noticed it."

"Has it gotten any better or worse?"

Mac shook his head, "Constant."

"Ever had this happen before?"

"No." Mac looked around at the scene, secure still due to the presence of the uniformed officers. "I think Danny planned to be in the lab for the rest of the afternoon. I'll call him. Stella may still be in court."

"I'll do it," Sheldon said. "They can come finish." He was relieved when he heard the sound of approaching sirens and saw the ambulance. As the paramedics stepped out and approached, he stood up to be out of their way.

"Detective Taylor," the younger of the two paramedics said. "What happened?"

"Started feeling dizzy out of nowhere. Sheldon picked up on it and then noticed my pulse was racing," Mac said. He was surprised when he felt a bit short of breath after saying only that.

"Any shortness of breath?"

"A little. Just now," Mac said as the medic opened his shirt to listen to his heart.

"OK, going to get you to Presbyterian," he said, visibly concerned at what he heard. "Are you riding with us?" he asked Sheldon.

Sheldon looked to Mac and asked, "I'll brief Danny and then drive the truck back?"

"Please."

Sheldon nodded, "I'll meet you there." He was glad they'd made the call of Presbyterian; it was what he would have suggested had they not. He wanted nothing more than to ride with them, but knew that he needed to take care of the scene to keep Mac from worrying about it.

"Thank you," Mac said as they loaded him into the back of the ambulance.

"I'll see you as soon as I can get there." Sheldon knew he was feeling poorly if he didn't protest any of this. That worried him, frightened him a bit if he thought honestly about it. As they closed the back door to the ambulance he reached for his phone. Pausing for a moment, he decided to make the easiest call first. After waiting a moment for the call to connect, Sheldon said, "Hey Danny. You still in the lab?"

"Yep, waiting on results on Foster. What's up?"

"Need you and…Who's there? Lindsay?"

"Yeah, Stella called earlier on a break, they were running longer than expected. She hoped to be finished on the stand by 4."

Sheldon glanced at his watch. 3:15. "Need you and Lindsay to come here, Mac…" Sheldon paused, thinking of the best way to convey the news. "Mac was taken to the hospital. He was experiencing dizziness and some shortness of breath."

"He OK?" Danny interrupted.

"Hope so, just playing it safe," Sheldon said. "The scene here is secure and there's not a lot still to do. I'll wait for you and Lindsay, give you my kit so you have everything and then I told him I'd head up there."

"There being?" Danny asked impatiently.

"Presbyterian."

"OK," Danny said. He knew it was more serious than Sheldon was letting on if they were going all the way to Presbyterian, but knew that the best thing for he and Lindsay to do would be to get the scene processed so that Mac didn't have to worry about that. "We're on our way."

It was almost 4:15 when Stella finally finished and left the courthouse. As she walked down the steps she switched on her phone. She was surprised to see six missed calls, four from Sheldon and two from Danny. Knowing something was up, she called her voice mail. Only one message from Sheldon. _"Stella, it's Sheldon. Call me when you get this message." _Something in his tone told her things weren't right, but when she tried to call him it went straight to voice mail so she decided to check in with Danny.

"Danny," she said when he picked up. "It's Stella. Got a weird message from Sheldon. Do you know what's going on?"

"Sort of. Where are you?"

"Walking to get a cab. Where am I going?" Stella was worried, Danny's tone was as strange as Sheldon's message.

"Presbyterian. Sheldon called me about an hour ago saying he was having Mac transported." When she didn't respond after close to a minute, he continued, "Stel? You there?"

Stella had frozen at his previous words, both mentally and physically, but now she continued to the corner to get a cab. "He's where?" she whispered, unable to believe what he'd said.

"Presbyterian. ER I think. Sheldon is with him and hasn't called to let us know he's been admitted or discharged. He was there when it happened. Called Lindsay and I to finish here."

"Where? When **what** happened?" Stella asked as she hailed a cab.

"79th and Park." At that, Stella knew that Presbyterian wasn't a matter of convenience. They were on the wrong side of Central Park and too far south for it to be that. There had to be a reason they'd gone all the way uptown. "Danny. Talk to me. I can't reach either of them," Stella said, doing her best to stay calm.

"That's just it, Stel. I don't know. Sheldon mentioned dizziness and shortness of breath but didn't elaborate. I assume his phone is off because he's in with Mac. I tried to call the ER there but couldn't get anything." Danny was trying to stay calm because he knew there was little else he could do, but it was proving difficult.

"Shit," Stella said, her forehead in her free hand. She couldn't believe what Danny had told her.

"We're going to come by when we're done. Call me as soon as you know anything?"

"Yeah," she said softly. "I will," she added as she hung up and leaned her head back against the seat, her eyes wet with unshed tears. This was not supposed to happen--whatever "this" was.

As the cab finally pulled up to the ER, Stella thrust some bills at the driver and hurried in through the ambulance bay entrance. "Mac Taylor. Where is he?" she asked the first nurse she saw.

"Are you family?" the nurse asked.

"Next of kin," Stella said, impatiently. She knew Mac had listed her, she'd listed him as well, but never thought she'd be in the position to have to identify herself as such.

"Curtain 2, he…"

Stella didn't even listen to the rest of what the nurse had to say. She'd heard all she needed to. The curtain was partially open and she stopped in her tracks as she saw Mac in bed, the head of the bed raised. He was wearing scrub pants and most importantly was awake and alert. However she could not miss the wires and sensors on his chest and the IV in his forearm.

"Stel, I'm OK," he said, seeing the look on her face. When she didn't respond, he held out a hand to her. "C'mere."

She tried, but couldn't keep the tremor from her fingers as she took his hand. "What happened?" she asked softly when she got her voice back. She looked from Mac to Sheldon, who sat in the chair beside the bed, back to Mac and finally to the monitors above his bed. Pulse, blood pressure and resps all seemed to be OK, but the fact that he was in a hospital bed and hooked up to the monitors was proof that they hadn't been. She took a deep breath to try and steady the emotions that resulted from seeing Mac in a hospital bed.

"Had a bit of a scare," Mac said, wrapping his hand around hers. "I'm OK now but I'm glad Sheldon was there."

Stella nodded. She was too. She had no doubt that Mac would recognize that something was wrong, but didn't doubt that he might ignore the signs. "What kind of scare?" she asked, barely realizing that she had yet to let go of his hand.

"Some dizziness and shortness of breath," Mac said. Despite having had an EKG and the doctors wanting to admit him for observation, he didn't want to believe there was anything more serious wrong.

Stella bit her lip, trying to take in everything. Since starting with the NYPD she knew there were risks associated with their jobs but always imagined that if something landed one of them in the hospital it would be an injury and not as a result of…this. "Have you seen a cardiologist yet? I mean…besides you, Sheldon" she added. "Not that..." she trailed off, unsure of how to finish her thought.

"Don't worry, I know what you mean," Sheldon said, smiling slightly. He wanted to put Stella at ease as best he could but hated that he had no concrete answers.

"Yeah, they're waiting on the results of some blood work. He also said he would be coming back in to check in," Mac added.

"What do they think the blood work will show?"

"Possible damage," Mac said, running his thumb over the back of Stella's hand in an attempt to soothe her.

Her brain trying to comprehend the idea that Mac could have heart damage, Stella was only slightly aware of Sheldon when he came up behind her with another chair. "You sit," he whispered. "I'm going to call Danny. Fill them in and check in."

She just nodded as she sat, her eyes moving between the monitor and Mac. Mac in scrubs in a hospital bed.

"How was court?" Mac finally asked to break the silence, hoping that a normal discussion would put Stella at ease where his words hadn't.

"Went well," Stella said. "Nothing earth-shattering. Only reason that it took as long as it did was that there were delays this morning. Pushed everything back. But they had no way of knowing when I'd go on so I decided to stay."

Mac nodded. "Good call."

Neither one of them spoke much. Mac didn't feel like talking and Stella didn't want to push him.

Much as she wanted to see the cardiologist to get some answers, for the moment she was content to sit with Mac. Hold his hand. There was nothing she could do, but she wanted to watch him, to make sure nothing happened. To be with him.

She was watching both Mac and the monitors and noticed when something in his colouring didn't seem right. "Mac?" she asked as the monitor began to beep with the decrease in his heart rate. "Mac?" she asked more insistently when he didn't open his eyes or show any sign of having heard her. "Sheldon!" she called, hoping he was within earshot and not still outside talking to Danny. "Mac!" she called again, the distress evident in her voice as Sheldon came back through the curtain.

"What happened?" he asked, quickly lowering the head of Mac's bed in preparation as he pushed the button to summon a nurse. He pushed up his sleeves and positioned Mac for CPR. This felt all too familiar, and he didn't like it. There was a reason he'd walked away from cardiology and didn't want to have to come back at the expense of a friend's health. "Tell me what happened," he repeated, trying to assess the situation and keep Stella calm at the same time.

"I don't know," Stella said, trying in vain to keep her voice steady. "He was fine. Wasn't talking much but …Then all of a sudden I didn't like his color and then the machine started." As two nurses hurried in, she moved to the head of Mac's bed, almost challenging them to ask her to leave. They didn't and as they started compressions along with Sheldon, she closed her eyes. She didn't want to see this.

She heard the beeping of the monitor cease and on opening her eyes, realized they were no longer doing CPR. She leaned over Mac's head and whispered, "Damnit, Claire can't have you yet." She didn't even realize she'd said it aloud until Sheldon reached for her hand. "Tell me what's going on," she said softly. Though she could easily read the monitors, she wanted Sheldon's opinion as a doctor. As a former cardiologist.

Sheldon nodded. "His heart didn't stop. He was in V-Fib but you see it's now back to a normal sinus rhythm?" At her nod, he continued, "He's not awake yet but he's breathing. He never stopped breathing."

"Thank God," Stella whispered. She looked down at Mac, but it wasn't Mac. His eyes weren't open and there were too many people milling around him. This wasn't how she wanted to see him. "Is he going to wake up?"

Sheldon hesitated before answering. "Yes." He knew that wasn't the true question that Stella wanted answered and continued. "But I can't say exactly when."

Stella nodded and subconsciously ran her thumb through Mac's short hair as she rested her hand on his shoulder. She was about to say something further when one of the nurses came in.

"Detective Bonasera, you're his next of kin, yes?"

"Ye-es," Stella said, her voice wavering.

"I need you to sign consent for an angiogram."

Stella looked to Sheldon, who nodded. "There's a blockage?" she asked.

"That's what we want to find out," the nurse explained. "It could be what caused this recent episode. When they inject the dye they'll track its flow through his body and see if there are any blockages and where they are. On page two it discussed what will be done if they do find a blockage. It's possible that they would need to do angioplasty or put in a stent."

"There are risks, aren't there?" Stella asked, addressing the nurse and Sheldon.

Sheldon nodded and answered first. "Risks in not doing it as well if it's a blockage that caused this."

At Stella's nod the nurse added, "The risks are written here on the reverse."

Stella read them over and asked, "So basically there would be more risks in not doing it?" At Sheldon's nod, Stella signed and initialed where the nurse indicated. She trusted his judgment. She closed her eyes after handing the forms back to the nurse, unable to look at Mac in his current state.

She felt Sheldon's hand on her back as he asked the nurse, "Where can we wait?"

"I can escort you to the surgical waiting room."

"Can we wait until he's taken in?" Stella asked, opening her eyes. Even though looking at Mac unconscious was hard, she didn't want to leave him alone if there was any chance he could hear or was aware of what was going on.

"Sure," the nurse said. "I'm just going to hand the forms in and we'll be back when they're ready to transport him."

"Thanks," Sheldon said. As the nurse left, he asked softly, "You doing OK?"

Stella didn't answer, just took Sheldon's free hand in her own. She didn't trust her voice and didn't really have an answer for him.

"Why don't you sit?" Sheldon asked.

Stella shook her head and crouched down so she was level with Mac's head and whispered. "Not yet." After pausing to steady her voice she said, "Don't know if you can hear me, but I think you can. They're going to do an angiogram, see what caused this and hopefully prevent another. OK?" She bent her head forward, closed her eyes and whispered, "You gotta pull through. I need you to come back to me" as she kissed his head just above his ear. "I love you," she added, her voice barely audible.

Sheldon and Stella were sitting quietly in the surgical waiting room when the door opened and Danny came in, followed closely by Lindsay and Flack. "What happened?" Danny asked. "Why are we in the surgical waiting room?" he continued, the worry and panic evident in his voice. "Stella?" he prompted, kneeling down in front of her when she didn't answer.

Stella looked up at him, and then behind him to Lindsay and Flack, who was leaning on a cane. "They're doing an angiogram," she said softly. She knew she needed to be strong, but wasn't sure she could at the moment.

"An angiogram?" Danny asked, unable to believe he'd heard her correctly.

Stella nodded as she once again looked at all three. "He had a heart attack." For some reason saying the words out loud made it seem all the more real.

"A what?" Danny asked, his voice rising. "But you said he was OK!"

"He was," Sheldon piped up in an attempt to calm Danny.

"Why didn't you call as soon as it happened?" Danny asked, refusing to be calmed. "We could've…"

Sheldon looked to Stella, who he could tell was shutting down. Knowing there was nothing he could do but try to keep Danny calm, he said, "There was no time. We've only been in here less than ten minutes. It all happened very fast and they got him a slot in the Cath Lab. I knew you were on the way..." As Danny opened his mouth to respond, Sheldon said, "Please. We don't need this right now. She doesn't need this," he added softly, nodding towards Stella with his head.

Danny shook his head and started to pace across the room. Knowing it was best to let him go, Sheldon did just that. Addressing Flack and Lindsay he said, "The nurse said she's going to have the doctor come get us as soon as she knows anything."

Feeling penned in but not wanting to leave the waiting room in the event there was some news, Stella walked to the other side of the room and just stood facing the wall, trying to get her emotions under control. She wasn't sure how much time had passed when she heard the  
telltale 'click' of a cane and felt a hand on her back. "I'm OK," she said out of habit more than sincerity.

"I know you are," Flack said softly, playing along. "We're going to run to the cafeteria to get something to eat. What do you want?"

"Nothing," Stella said.

"When was the last time you ate?" Flack pressed. He took Stella's glare in stride and squeezed her shoulder. "Going to get you a sandwich," he said softly.

Stella knew an argument wasn't going to get her anywhere and she could feel the tears welling close to the surface so she just nodded. She stayed where she was, willing herself to hold it together as Flack shuffled across the room and out with the others. She hoped he'd be able to calm Danny down because she didn't think she could cope with him flying off the handle right now.

"You know if you want to get some air, I promise to call you immediately if they come with any news," Sheldon said when he approached a minute or two later.

Stella shook her head but at least turned to face Sheldon. He saw her red-rimmed eyes and put an arm around her. He knew there was nothing he could do to help but wanted to try. "So scared," she whispered, her voice shaking.

"I know," Sheldon said, wrapping his other arm around her and giving her a hug. "Me too," he admitted. Knowing there was nothing else to say, he just held her until she attempted to pull away.

"Thanks," Stella said softly, wiping her eyes.

"No problem."

Stella was the first to look up when she heard the door open. "Detective Bonasera?" the doctor asked.

"Yes?" Stella said, quickly getting to her feet as she tried to read the expression on the doctor's face. The others, except for Flack who wasn't too quick on his feet yet, were right behind her. Seeing the doctor's hesitation, Stella said, "We all work together. You can say whatever you have to say in front of them."

"In that case, I'm glad to say it went well. Let me show you the results," the doctor said, approaching a light box on the wall. "By the way, I'm Doctor Mason, one of the interventional cardiologists on-call."

Stella nodded and introduced the others as she waited impatiently for the doctor to show them the results.

"OK, here's the initial x-ray from the angiogram."

"95 + blockage?" Sheldon asked.

"Almost complete," the doctor agreed. "Luckily for him, the others were clear so we were able to put in a stent and avoid bypass." With that, he put up the x-ray picture which showed blood flowing much better.

"Thank God," Sheldon said.

Stella looked at both x-rays but only had one question. "Is he awake?"

"Not yet, but that's mostly due to the meds he's on. I expect him to wake within four to six hours."

Stella didn't listen beyond the doctor's first two words. She wanted nothing more than to retreat. To hide. But she knew that, as next of kin, she had to be responsible here. She was grateful, however, when Sheldon took over some questions.

"He's being transferred to CCU?"

"Yes, within the half hour. I assume you'll be staying?" They all nodded, grateful that the doctor seemed to be OK with this. "I just ask that you let him rest. He needs that to get back on his feet. Ideally one at a time, two max and for short visits, OK?"

Stella nodded, she could live with that. "Can we stay in the waiting room in between?"

"Absolutely."

"Thanks."

"And I'll be on call throughout the night should you have any questions or if he needs anything."

Sheldon nodded. "What do you anticipate in the way of recovery?"

"He's going to need to slow down a bit, at least initially."

"Is that in Mac's vocabulary?" Flack asked. He was glad when the others smiled.

"It will need to be," the doctor said. "I'll go over his usual routine with him when he wakes and sees what adjustments need to be made, but there will be some changes."

Stella nodded, she'd expected this. She just wasn't sure she could convince Mac.

"We've just got a few minutes before they transport him. He's not awake but do one of you want to see him?"

Stella nodded quickly. "Please."

"OK, come with me. I'll see the rest of you once he's settled in a room, OK? Any questions?"

The others shook their heads and Sheldon said, "Thanks, Doctor."

"You're welcome." Stella followed the doctor out and he said, "I understand you were with him in the ER so I don't have to tell you that he doesn't look the way you'd normally see him?"

"No," Stella said softly, shaking her head. She'd do anything to get the image of Mac, unconscious and the beeping of the monitors, out of her mind.

As they approached the gurney where Mac lay, Dr. Mason said "Go ahead and sit with him, they'll let you know when they need to move him."

Stella just nodded and walked slowly to Mac's side. Though she knew he was in better shape now than he had been in the ER, she couldn't help but think he looked worse. After making sure she wouldn't hit any tubes or wires, she sat on the edge of the bed and took his hand in hers. Running her thumb over the back of his hand, she spoke softly. "You scared me, Mac." After

pausing to steady her voice she said, "But you're going to be OK. Sheldon got you here in time and...You're going to have to slow down, Mac. I can't lose you and I'm afraid I'm going to if you don't." With her free hand, she wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. She didn't want him to hear that she was upset.

With the way the gown was, she could see the top of his scar from Beirut and could clearly see the fading scar on his neck from the bombing. With all he'd been through, she wasn't surprised his body reacted. She was grateful it had been when he wasn't alone and that Sheldon had been there. That Sheldon had gotten him to the ER in time.

She lost track of how long she'd been sitting there before a nurse approached. "Detective, I'm going to have to ask you to leave so we can bring him up to his room. You'll be allowed back in to see him as soon as they have him settled."

Stella nodded and whispered a soft, "Thanks." She leaned down and placed a soft kiss to Mac's forehead. "You be good," she whispered. "I'll see you in a few." She got to her feet but continued to hold his hand, almost afraid that something would happen if she left his side.

When Mac opened his eyes, he was confused. The room was semi-dark, and he instantly knew he wasn't anywhere that he recognized. He slowly realized that he was in a hospital room and little by little the events of the afternoon came back to him. But the last thing that he remembered was being in the ER with Sheldon and Stella and now he was...here.

As his eyes adjusted to the darkness and he became more aware, he realized Stella was at his side. She had his right hand in hers and was leaning forward with her elbows on the mattress and her forehead on her hands. He was glad she'd been able to doze, but the fact that she was sleeping in his hospital room was a good sign that he'd scared her. The dried tear tracks on her cheeks scared him.

Not wanting to startle her, he wriggled his fingers slightly and rubbed her hand with his thumb. When Stella opened her eyes, she was confused at first but then she saw Mac's hand moving. "You—you're—you're awake…" she finally got out, her voice barely audible.

"I'm not ready to go yet," whispered Mac.

Tears breaking free again, Stella whispered back, "Good." Tipping her head she kissed the back of his hand and continued, "There's gonna be some changes, Mac…"


End file.
